Death

I wrote this on March 4 but didn't publish it until now because I wanted to think about it for awhile.  Except for the part in red - that was written on April 4. 

For the past few days, I've noticed that something was caught in the back of my throat on my tonsil. It was very annoying - almost like I had a popcorn kernel stuck back there. I tried everything from chewing gum to gargling to get it out. Strangely, I never looked inside my mouth. It felt like it was in a place I couldn't see. Today while I was driving home it was driving me CRAZY so I pulled over and opened up and saw something like this... actually never mind, the online pictures are disgusting. But it was, like a small white, painless dot on my right tonsil. It was close to the size of a small pea. I immediately freaked out and assumed the worst: cancer. I googled "painless white spot on tonsil" and got this answer.  It wasn't a definite but perhaps a little hope. The entire drive home I spent thinking about if it was cancer and how quickly my life would change. I can be a bit of a drama queen when it comes to my health. The instant I got home, I ran upstairs and gargled some salt water and mouthwash (at different times) and brushed my teeth to no avail. Not good for someone who suffers from anxiety. So I took a pair of tweezers and tried to grab it and it came off after a couple of attempts. It was a tonsilolith - from the above article. It was gross but the good news - it wasn't cancer. Yikes. What a scary feeling for about 20 minutes. March was all about contemplating the heavens - apparently March didn't get the memo that I should've gotten this tonsil thing in March. Duh. Now onto what I did write in March.

Someday I will die.

Someday my mom will die.

Someday my dad will die.

Everyone I have ever known will die. 

Everyone who has ever lived has or will die. 

I hope my husband, children and brother outlive me because I don't think I could handle that kind of loss. True, it is what matters that you do in life and so death should not be focused on but I just can't imagine that there will come a day when I can't call them and hear about them or tell them about my day or visit or hug them.

When I began having panic attacks in the summer of 2004, for some reason my mind refused to focus on much else other than the thought of my parents dying, which until that point had never crossed my mind. Not once.  Not for an instant. I had also never had a panic attack before. I don't know why it has all of a sudden become such a trauma for me. If I talk about it for even 20 seconds, I will tear up and I am not the "crying" type. I guess I realized how important they are to me as guides and as friends and I can not fathom life without them. But it will come. Someday. I hope in at least 25 years or more and not a moment less. My mom's dad died at 56 of pancreatic failure. My dad's mom at around 56 from breast cancer. My dad's dad from Alzheimer's at 81. My 75 year old maternal grandma is still alive and kicking as are all of my 3 blood uncles and 5 blood aunts (I am only counting them for genetic reasons) and all of their children. There have been no tragedies. Thank God. But there will be someday. I am blessed.

It's a horrible thing to think about - would you rather someone die instantly/in their sleep or over a long period of time so you can say goodbye? I am selfish. I think, I would rather it be a long thing so I can have sufficient time to say goodbye to them. That's unfair that they'd have to go through pain and time but I am just being selfish. It's not like I can control this anyways. It's just thoughts. This is going to sound horrible but I sometimes am jealous of the families who have had to deal with a trauma like this because by the end of it they just want it to be over and want their loved ones to no longer be suffering. As opposed to having a loved one ripped from them. Again, I know this is horribly selfish and I wouldn't wish it on anyone I love. Just a thought. I think being blind sided makes it worse. But I've never lost anyone really close so how would I know?

I too one day will die. I wonder what death feels like. I wonder what not existing here feels like. I've read a few stories about people who have died and come back to life and their stories comfort me because all signs point to there being something after here. What purpose would lying bring them? If they died and lied about there being something, what good would that bring them or anyone else? I don't think those people are lying. If I died and came back to life and there was nothing, I would proclaim it through out the word so that people might live differently. But I wouldn't see a purpose to lying. Death is scary. If there was no bright light, I'd say so.