One sentence gratitude journal

I will update this daily.

March 1 - I am grateful that this snow day allowed me to relax and slow down a bit.


March 2 - I am grateful that I work in a school where being involved is easy and fun like judging the Mr. NHS competition. 


March 3 - I am grateful that I was able to cross off one of my "bucket list" items - do a polar plunge.  


March 4 - I am grateful that I have family that I could help move in. Some people don't have anyone. Can you imagine how lonely that must be?


March 5 -  I am grateful for friends that I can pick up with even if it's been awhile.


March 6 - I am grateful I live in a country where I can vote and not be beaten or murdered.


March 7 -  I am grateful for my ability to get many things done very quickly but done well.


March 8 - I am grateful to be able to chaperone overnight academic field trips.


March 9 - I am grateful to be able to enjoy in students' joy when they accomplish something.


March 10 - I am grateful that I am in good enough health to complete a 5k even if it took me 51 minutes.


March 11 -I am grateful that I have a job that allows me to relax on the weekend.


March 12 - I am grateful that I saw a mosquito today because it means spring is right around the corner. Seventy-two degrees today!!


March 13 - I am grateful for family that love Scott so much they were willing to "bail him out of jail" no questions asked when it was just a money scam and not true. That's family. :)

March 14 - I am grateful for hearing that one of the classes I took as an undergrad counts as 3 credits of graduate history - out of the 12 I have to take now.

March 15 - I am grateful for job security. Today's bonus question on a test I gave was about current events - "what middle eastern country has been having protests going on for a year as of today?" and getting answers like: Europe, Asia, Moscow, and Jerusalem.

March 16 - I am grateful for an amazing group of co-workers who have completely changed the attitudes of what it was like in the building just 6 years ago. hilarious group of people.

March 17 - I am grateful for a group of friends that still can act like we are in our 20s and makes it fun to wait in line.

March 18 - I am grateful that waking up early didn't feel like death this morning from a hangover. 

March 19 - I am grateful that it is winter and I spent an hour outdoors in shorts and a tank top reading in 72 degree weather. <3

March 20 - I am grateful for my thick hair even though on most days I wish it were thinner. I am also grateful that I look young. I hear it every single day that I look like I am in high school.  It annoys me to no end but someday I will be grateful... or so I'm told... everyday.


March 21 - I am grateful for time to relax outside with my puppies.

March 22 - I am grateful for time well spent with good friends.  

March 23 - I am grateful for the opportunity to chaperone a middle school dance because it completely re-affirmed that I made the right choice to be a high school teacher.

March 24 -  I am grateful for date time with my husband.

March 25 - I am grateful for people are easy to work with.

March 26 - I am grateful for great coworkers who go with me to educational things like this: http://nobigotry.facinghistory.org/


March 27 - I am grateful for a wonderful father who is an accountant and who does my taxes.

March 28 - I am grateful for great friends and us having a blast.

March 29 - I am grateful that I have the ability to persevere through something excruciatingly painful (mentally) and not snapping.

March 30 - I am grateful that my school takes community service seriously - had a blast chaperoning the 30 hour famine.

March 31 - I am grateful for people taking pity on me so I can still feel accomplished.

I think this overall is a really good idea - to be thankful for things in your life but finding time every day to write in an online journal about them isn't. I think I'll just stick to saying them out loud to God.

Survival of the fittest

I strongly believe in survival of the fittest (SOTF) - I mean, how can you NOT? The slower animal will get eaten and not pass its slow genes onto the next generation. The stupider animal will cross the road into oncoming travel and not pass its idiot genes onto the next generation. And but not passing them on, the species grows stronger. The same was true for humans but with all of our advancements, are we really becoming a better, stronger species?

It's interesting to think about all that I've gone through in life and apply SOTF to my own life... if I lived 100 years ago. My great-grandfather, Max, died of appendicitis. Both of my parents have had it but I haven't. Luckily, Max died from it after my grandfather was born, allowing me to be born. I am unsure about when my dad had his but I know my mom had hers at age 19, about 8 years before I came into existence... which would mean all things being equal, I might not be here if my family lived 100 years ago.

Forgetting that, I have had pneumonia twice and the first time was at age 12 and I had it BAD. I mean, throat closing bad... dead. I had mono (age 14 and 25) which 100 years ago would not have excused me from work which would have lead to lupus... dead. I have had blood poisoning (thanks to a vicious cat biting me and me not knowing to make things bleed when they're deep) at age 18... dead. I survived a horrific car accident (roll over) without a seat belt) at 18. Not to mention I have been vaccinated against all of the routine diseases and God knows if I would've gotten them growing up. 

We are very lucky to live to the age that we do now. But even luckier to live at all. I am sure most of you have similar stories about maybe near misses. I wonder how many people would be around today if people who died from completely treatable things now were alive to procreate back then leading to more people today. I wonder what my own family would be like if my great-uncle hadn't died in childhood. I wonder how many more wonderful people might be in my life. Do I owe it to them to live fully because they can't?

By the way, I would be the first one eaten in a SOTF contest if today's 5k is any indication. I came in 74th place out of 75 people. However I would've come in dead last by a long shot if they hadn't let me cut (they took pity on me). So I ended up going only 2.3 miles. I don't believe in excuses but I had no desire to do it today and went in with no goals. I've felt sick all week and threw up a little twice during the race (I probably shouldn't have drank a whole coffee less than an hour before the race and drank a 5 hour energy too). I just did not want to be there. It snowed on me the whole time and my mind was completely focused on how miserable I was. So... there it is.

Don't say anything!

Do yourself a favor and watch this video (Thanks Amy!):
http://www.ted.com/talks/view/lang///id/947

Apparently there is research that suggests that if you say you are going to do something but don't actually do it, you still feel good/accomplished because you said you were going to do it. And because you feel accomplished you don't actually do it.  I get that but I think I am the opposite for most things. Last year when I was writing a blog I asked myself almost everyday what I could do to make my journal more interesting for that day. Not for anyone else but so when I looked back on it I would think I spent my life well in that year. 

I do see where it would be true especially with exercise. If I say I am going to do something, I think I am less likely to do it sometimes but with the advent of facebook I feel like more often than not it holds me accountable to actually go and do that thing - and then checking in. I feel like if I don't do something when I say I will it's equivalent to lying. And I hate lying. When I put myself out there I am more likely to hold myself accountable because I KNOW people are going to ask me about it. It happens all the time. But if I have no one else to answer to, sometimes I let myself slide big time.  

But it is interesting to think about.

 

Facebook

Don't be surprised if you head to my facebook page and see less information than you usually do. I am pulling back from it. While I find no problem with putting as much out there in the world as I have done (since I have been told on more than one occasion that I've helped people) I am not that comfortable with people judging me because they don't get it. Nothing happened to prompt this - just overall comments I've heard people making about other people's online habits. I can only assume it's been said about me too. I spent the last several days adjusting privacy settings for 90% of my facebook friends. Don't freak out if you re one of them! If you really want me to add you back to full view you can ask but it might not happen.

I am just trying to rid myself of unnecessary negativity (not that you do that - just made some sweeping changes that affected most people) which is part of my happiness project. :) Don't get me wrong - I love facebook. I love staying in touch with people and seeing how their lives are going even if I am not in touch with them on a day to day or month to month basis. And I will still keep this blog up - doing my thing. And I am not delusional - I doubt this matters to anyone reading this. 

5 senses

I am going to do something I don't normally do because I feel like I always have to be doing something: I am going to meditate. Outside. And just try to empty my mind and focus on being here, now.

Ok back.

Wow. I am terrible at this. I think I last at most at any given time was two minutes and then my mind wandered. I was outside for 30 minutes. I tried really hard. Next time I'll do better. I did most of this with my eyes closed to enhance my senses (except the sight part).  It seems like something I could get into with more practice.

Some of the things I thought about though were my 5 senses: taste, touch, sound, sight, and smell. What could I see? Touch? Taste? Smell? Hear?


I heard a lot of birds chirping and calling back to each other as well as rustling of the tree branches hitting other tree branches. I ever heard a squirrel scurrying up a tree. I heard kids laughing next door. 


I tasted nothing. That would've been weird. 


I smelled the grass (or so I think I did). 


I felt the bamboo under me and the warm wind against my skin. I felt the sun on my skin - such a great feeling.


I saw birds in the trees and the clouds moving by. I saw ants crawling across the grass. I am so grateful I didn't see any mosquitoes like I did the other day. I did, however see a spider spinning a tiny web. 

And I saw one of the greatest things ever: a bud on a tree. Spring's really almost here!

Most of my favorite things from my senses are almost here too! I love the smell of fresh cut grass. I love the feeling of being submerged in water. My favorite sounds are definitely waves at the ocean and thunder but my all time favorite is the tree frogs at night. I love seeing everything in bloom. My favorite tastes can be tasted year round - I really love strong flavors so really sour or hot things. But I can't wait for corn on the cob and watermelon. Yes, I know you can get these year round but it's not the same. I love anything that feels soft especially fleece.


I actually put some nature sounds on while I was outside because I was having a hard time concentrating on the two birds yelling at each other and this was very calming.

All of this nature talk really makes me want to go camping!

Purpose

I've often had thoughts about things that have happened (or not) in the past and their reason. About how life might've been different had they happened differently. And about who I am not because of those things. Right now it's weighing on my mind because I hurt my back when I ran the 5k last week and while it's not as bad as in August 2008, it hurts and I have been doing a lot to prevent it from happening that bad again. What could come out of this if it goes bad?

Growing up I was a model who was offered to be the next Little Miss Sunbeam for $3 million and I refused to smile. Where would I be today if I had accepted? Would I have gone to college? Would I be overweight? There are so many questions. 

What if I had met Scott in high school and didn't have to go through all the BS I went through with dating? 


So many what ifs?....

 I used to be pretty athletic - I grew up playing soccer since age 3 and little league and softball. I even did basketball. And then one day I got mono and didn't take care of myself and it progressed into 4 years of EpStein Barr after which I was out of shape and lost the desire to play sports... until college when I did flag football, softball, basketball and soccer intramurally with swimming on the side. Its in my blood but I've become so lazy. Just when I started to get back on the ball and REALLY started working out, eating right and losing weight, BAM! I hurt my back really bad and gave myself a bulging disk in August 2008. I couldn't walk- complete bed rest with severe pain meds for a week and then I could hobble around on  crutch.

What is the purpose of these things? I believe everything has a reason. When I am stuck in traffic and want to flip out, sometimes I think that maybe the traffic is delaying me from being involved in a fatal car accident that had I been going normal speed would've happened and then I calm down. There is not way to prove this and it's frustrating because sometimes you never can know. I don't know why life hasn't been smooth for me in ways I wish it would have been. 


I'm not complaining - I just wish I could know the reason for certain things happening.

Sometimes I think that there must be many universes going on right now and every choice we make makes a new universe so somewhere there must be a Stephanie Bentley who is thin and athletic and healthy and not so shy. Or one where certain mistakes weren't made. I know that I am who I am because of those things but sometimes, I would love to live in the universes where everything went right. I could just start living that way now. But it's a slippery slope and a long way back and I don't know if I have it in me to get there.

Of course, there is also probably a universe where I am paralyzed or dead. I should count my blessings.

Time to be an adult

I finally found another thing to add to my "secrets to adulthood". I totally forgot about this until I was re-reading part of Gretchen Rubin's introduction this morning.


Drum roll please...................


Just because someone is age-wise an adult does not mean that they act like an adult.

This is something that has weighed heavily on my mind for a few years. A few months ago I told some people I am close to that I was done with drama. Not only on my front but on their front too. If I had something to say, I was going to say it and they should too. If they are going to come to me to complain about someone or something, they should fully expect me to ask if they've tried to do anything about it or if they are just outright bitching about something.

Nothing will be solved by whining.

I'm done. I am almost 30 years old. I deal with 100 kids a day. The absolute last thing I want to deal with when I go home is more drama from friends, family and coworkers. 

There is always something wrong. There is always someone that is going to annoy the bejeezus out of you. You can either say something or wallow. I am not part of the wallowing nonsense anymore. I'll listen if you need an ear but expect advice. And if you don't take my advice, don't come back to me to tell me how your way didn't work. (I know I won't always be right but still...)

If someone is trying to do sketchy things to get a promotion over you- call him out on it.
If someone is being unfair, say something.
If someone is annoying you, avoid him or tell him.
If your ex is being an ass - block her. 
If someone is giving you a hard time, say something to someone who can do something (HR etc...)


Don't talk about someone behind their back.
Don't make things up.
Don't lie.
Don't be a hypocrite.
Don't grandstand.
DON'T BE FAKE. If you don't like me, don't act like you do. Likewise I won't pretend to like you either. We can be cordial but we don't need to be friends.


Just deal with it and move on.


If we all acted this way, life would be so much easier. The hard part is dealing with people who can not take constructive criticism.I emphasize the word constructive because there are quite a few people whose sole purpose in life, it seems, is to rip other people apart... meanwhile they are some of the most screwed up people I've ever met. And the rudest.

Age has nothing to do with maturity I have some 15 year old students who are more mature and level headed than some 30 year olds I know. I'm not perfect. (That should be my motto, I say it a lot). But I will from this moment on try to just act like an adult. I started doing this a few months ago and it has worked out really well or me.

Time flies

I was just thinking about how fast time flies. Again, the quote by Gretchen Rubin about how "the days are long but the years are short".

I can clearly remember this and it seems like it was yesterday.

 I don't remember this at all but supposedly this ugly baby was me.

I literally feel like I could be back in college at any time. I miss it. My junior year was the best year in college. And I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that I was not fat. I used to think I was HUGE.

And I remember this moment (graduation from college) like it was yesterday as well.

I remember when my parents were just starting to raise us and get us on the bus:

 And within a few years they will be grandparents and I will be doing that??? 

 I clearly remember this day

and this one

so how is it possible that I also remember this one 

 yet they each seem to have happened at the same time?



How is it possible that life passes by so quickly? I should be grateful that life has been enjoyable enough to pass by fast but damn! Too quick! Within 10 years of me right now I will have been in college (age 19) and have kids (age 39). That's quite an arc. And it will pass by wicked fast and someday soon I will be sending the kids to college. All in the blink of an eye.

In my mind, my life of a Fuchs will always be this picture and I remember taking it clearly:

So I will do all I can to slow down life by recording it through video and film because that's the only way to slow it down. I feel like I have done a really good job with Scott and my live together - I document everything. Probably to an excessive degree. But I so much look back and wish I had more pictures and videos of my past. I've always been fairly nostalgic and I don't imagine that will change as I get older. I just cant believe that shortly I will be in my forties (only 11 years? what???) when I still feel mentally like I am in my early 20s. Crazy. Life is crazy.

Using hatred

I know we aren't supposed to hate people. It's an extremely useless emotion. I have had things that have occurred in my past that have made me, for lack of a better word, hate certain individuals. Again, I know I shouldn't. It's something I am working on in September. Hmmm maybe I should move that up... 

Most of the time I do perfectly fine without thinking about these people but there are moments when I become furiously angry about things they did to me or said about me. Lies. Hypocrisy. Greed. Jealousy. Overall nastiness. Trying to pretend they did nothing and that they are above the situations. Among other things. I am who I am. Take it or leave it. I've never hated someone for disliking me or making fun of me but when my character gets attacked, it's over. It's very hard for me to turn back from that.

Granted, it hasn't happened often and I can count on less than both hands the number of people this applies to but I am going to attempt to use my hatred/anger of these people to fuel my desire to improve physically and mentally. I tried it out today and it worked like a charm. I've never thought about doing this before. I hope this doesn't make me dwell on it more than I should/normally do.


Maybe in the end, it will dull my hatred for these people and turn it into pity? I don't know. I already pity them for being who they are but I still am angry. I need the anger to go away. September is going to be a tough month. I've held onto some of this for years. It's time to let go but first this in an attempt to let go. 

Church

The concept of church is something I think most Christians are confused about. Let's face it - there are 3500 kinds of protestant. I went to church as a kid many Sundays. Until high school I really disliked every moment of it and then as I got older, conversely, dreaded the day there wouldn't be a Sunday school for me to go to and I'd have to be in the adult sermon. 

I joined a church in college but was only half involved. I was baptized for the first time in my life in 2005 and joined the worship team.  But I never felt 100% included/involved.

Needless to say, I didn't make church a priority during my year in graduate school or as a first year teacher because I was "busy". Now I am just lazy. I feel like I have better things to do than go to church on Sundays.

Let me be clear - I don't think you need to go to church to go to heaven. But it's nice to get to know people who genuinely care about you even though they've never met you because you are "related" through Christ as siblings. It's great to be around people who believe the same stuff as you. People in churches are really good people for the most part. I miss that. I have wonderful friends - ones I wouldn't give up for the world. But I miss having people who believe in Christ in my life.

Anyways, I thought it could be a good time to slowly make my way back. I started today with going to an online video church and heard a sermon.  It was interesting for sure. Maybe sometime this year I'll go to an actual church. I'd like to like it since that's never really been my experience with church.

By the way, I am completely up to date with reading The Bible - I am on Deuteronomy 32! On track for March!

5k finish

The 5k road race went well. I had three goals in mind:
1. Beat my first 5k time of 58 minute, 49 seconds.
2. Don't come in last place.
3. Beat a specific woman that I was near the entire time.


I did all three :) including # by a foot. And of course we dressed up :)

Providence is NOT flat so I am glad the route they chose was really flat.

I am sore and achy because I am sooooo out of shape but I did it. The race started at the State House in Providence.

Here's me in my Irish gear. My hair is green but you can't tell form this pic. 

The kids in the white shirt and green top hat is Kyle - he's lapping me here. 

I forgot to take a pic when I crossed the line so this is after I crossed by a few seconds. 

Doesn't Scott look awesome? he got a LOT of compliments on that beard. 

After, Scott, Kyle & I went to Ri Ra and had some Irish beer and lunch.


Pictures of the event will be up here by Thursday.

Race numbers

We just got our running numbers for the 5k on Saturday!

Social activism

About 4 or 5 years ago, a few students asked me if I wanted to be the Amnesty International advisor at school. being that I had no idea what AI stood for (belief wise) I said I would think about it. In the meantime they gave me a dvd called Invisible Children which I LOVED because it moved me. It's about the child soldier situation in Uganda. I said yes to the club and we showed the video to all of our students and asked if they wanted to help the situation. We quickly became the largest club for two years in school with 120 members. We wrote letters to free unfairly jailed prisoners around the world among other things.


Anyways, recently there has been this video floating around facebook as an update to Invisible Children and I've gotten a bunch of emails from past and present students about it as well as kids stopping in to talk about it. 


This morning I got a kudos kard from a fellow colleague about how well informed my students are about the situation since I do talk about it a lot while doing the effects of imperialism.

This is another reason I teach :) They remember it and act on it. It touched them. 

I know a lot of people are complaining that people who don't normally care are all of a sudden jumping on the band wagon of caring but here's what I say: good. Jump on the band wagon! Welcome :) Even if you forget about this in a couple of days. For a couple of days you cared about someone other than yourself.  

I get it. Some people don't like band wagon fans. But this is not about being a pink hat fan of a sports team. This involves life or death for many children so that you can have phones, laptops, diamonds and even chocolate for a lower price. These kids are not kidnapped for no reason. It's so they can be slaves to be brainwashed to mine those products for you. And you don't even know it. And once you know it, you likely won't care.

It's not a liberal vs. conservative thing. This affects you almost every single second of your day especially if you a technology loving person. This does involve you and you should get involved or stop buying products made with slave labor.  Or at the very least don't complain about people caring about something even if it is for a day or two.

Suffrage

Today I voted in the primary election. I took a Republican ballot though I am neither Republican nor Democrat. I turned in a ballot marked with "no preference" or what I would refer to as a blank ballot. 

 A lot of people have asked me in the past why I turn in blank ballots - why even bother?  I have never missed a vote - not even a small town election. Most of the time I do choose a candidate but I feel like the presidential one is ridiculous. None of the candidates do what they say they are going to do when they are actually in office and all of them engage in negative campaigning. However there are millions of people world wide who have been disenfranchised and would literally kill or die for the right to just be able to cast a ballot in a safe, anonymous way that won't lead to them being beaten, tortured or killed. Therefore I feel it is my duty to live for those people and vote. I vote because they can't - not because I think I will change anything by voting for a president. I know my vote counts and I have changed things by voting on initiatives and referendums. I just don't believe that presidents do much. Congress is MUCH more important to me. 


It greatly annoys me when people aren't registered or don't vote because people worldwide would kill to be able to do that simple act. It's lazy. There is not reason to not vote - it's free.

Being grateful

It's not always easy to do but being thankful is topping my list of things I always want to be - something I want to cultivate. I can start with this:
http://www.cnn.com/2012/03/04/us/indiana-tornado-girl/index.html?hpt=hp_t1


I am very grateful that all of my family members are healthy, safe and alive. This is such a BEYOND words tragic story, me hearty breaks for this family. 

Why do bad things happen?

I may never understand why one day out of the blue I started getting panic attacks. I had never heard of them. Until that day in July 2004, I had lived an amazing life with wonderful family and friends. I had started and edited a newspaper at my high school, went to a large college where I was known by one name, became an RA (and got RA of the year), was the president of an organization whose sole purpose was to recognize other people for their good works, traveled more than most, I literally had no fear. The only bad about me was that I got a little home sick from time to time. But that was it. And then BAM! Blind sided. 

It feels like a drug that you are addicted to but can't get off of and worse than real drugs - you desperately don't want to be on them. I dropped out of school for it, lost friends because of it, turned down an awesome summer job because of it and almost quit graduate school because of it. Crazy things the real me would've never done. I can only assume this is what it feels like to have multiple personalities. To know you are doing something YOU would never do and not being able to control it.

Gretchin Rubin came to the epiphany of her book (The Happiness Project) one day by recognizing that "the days are long but the years are short". How true is that? Some days drag but I am always amazed at how quickly life passes by - I swear I can remember being a little girl like it really was yesterday. Gretchin spent her month of "contemplating the heavens" by reading many real life tragedy/suffering stories about people who had had normal lives and then one day it all changed - via accident or disease or someone close to them dying. I can't do that. Too much sadness is not good for me.


I still have a great life but one I wish didn't involve anxiety. No, I am not suffering from an incurable disease and no one I love is going through pain. I am blessed beyond words. I have to accept that anxiety is part of my life and work around it. If you've never had a panic attack - you are lucky. It controls every aspect of your life while it is happening. Even involuntary actions like breathing and your heart beating. I can feel adrenaline coursing through me. 


I haven't had a full blown attack since January 2011 thanks to medication and a lot of prayer. But every time I feel the familiar flutter in my veins I pray to God it isn't happening again and it never will. When it comes, it comes without warning and lasts 24 hours for anywhere from 24 hours to 2 months. When it's happening I can't think, watch tv, eat and other things I'd rather not mention. It is beyond paralyzing. It's like my own personal hell. And every time it happens, it's like I've had my own personal paralyzing accident. But I am lucky. I get to "wake up" from it. I get to go back to the life I had. 



There must be a reason for it. Right? When I come out of an attack, I have an overwhelming feeling of - what would I do if I knew I was dying? I want to live life to the fullest. So maybe that is the meaning - to be reminded of how blessed I actually am. So what I propose to do is something my mom is doing right now which is, "If everyone one of us lived as though we only had 1 more month to live, what would you do to every person you met? What would you say to your loved ones? There is a church in TX, that is doing this very thing... I like this very much! I pray you all live like this. No regrets. Love is not some mushy thing, it lives, it breathes, it urges on to better things, not the awful things we sometimes see... We can all do better!" 

I don't know why some people get cancer or why some people become disfigured. All I know is that my lot in life may be anxiety. And if that's all I ever get - I am blessed beyond belief.

On that note, I am going to take the approach that my life could end any day. Tomorrow. A week from now. Two years from now.  Fifty years from now. In one moment, much like the one I had eight years ago, my life could be instantly changed or ended. So being that it could happen I plan to live like it might. I will be reaching out to all manner of people to tell them you how I feel. So try not to be alarmed when I tell you. I mean, you are someone I care about, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading this. This blog is not an extraordinary one that can be easily found. You clicked a link. You read this. It's you who I could not live life without and it's you that I appreciate for many reasons. The best part? It's free. Not in a cheap way. But it requires nothing more than a little effort to tell those we care about them and why while they are still here, living and breathing. And it's much better than regretting not saying it in the end. You never know how your words can affect someone else. If I can help just one person have a little better day then that's the point. That is why I was chosen to have panic attacks - to have a constant reminder to live life to the fullest and bless others.We are all suffering in some way.

I will be seizing every opportunity to live the best life I can. Not in a monumental way every day. Just baby steps. 

I am not religious

March is the month to contemplate the heavens. This takes several meaning to me. Today it will be about religiosity.

Recently, I was telling someone that I was religious. This person came back with, "no, you're not". It got me thinking about judgements. I wonder how many other people would look at my life and think, "she's not religious" because most people confuse religion with spirituality. I have done a lot of thinking since that moment about what it could've meant. I never asked.  I don't blame her for saying it and I am not mad. I am glad she made the comment so I could look introspectively.

After all of this thinking I have come up with this: she's right - I am not religious. I AM, however, deeply and ferociously spiritual and while I may not be to-the-letter religious I do strongly believe in Jesus. I hope this is what she meant. I hope she meant that I wasn't "religious" semantically and not that "I act like a jackass and couldn't believe in Jesus". Those are two completely separate thought processes. That's the way I am choosing to take it anyways.


I grew up in a Christian household and for awhile struggled with my entire belief system. After researching and reading and crying  and pleading for a very long time, I realized that since we know for a fact that Jesus existed as a person (because the Romans wrote about him all the time and how much they hated him) that all I needed was the leap of faith to realize I believed in the entire resurrection story. One book that really helped me was The Science of God by Gerald Schroeder. We can't prove that the Big Bang Theory happened either. But there are things that point to it that make it logical. Same thing with Jesus. We can't prove that he was the son of God. But there are signs that point to it. And it's not hurting anybody for me to believe in Him anymore than it hurts people when kids believe in Santa. Note, I am not equating Jesus with a fictional character just the belief process. My belief does not require me to force things down people's throats and/or start wars over religion.

Let me be clear. I am not a fan of The Bible. I never have been and likely never will be. I plan on reading it once and only once and then re-reading parts that move & guide me (and not ina "picking and choosing" type way). As a historical document it is wildly inaccurate. It's anywhere between 10,000 and 4,000 years old and has been translated (and interpreted) from several different languages with many different writers over vast time periods. The Bible we read today was compiled by King James who had enough balls to change one of the chapters in The Bible to his own name. So if he was willing to change that, what else was changed? Plus he decided what books would go into The Bible and which would stay out. There are contradictions because of man's mistakes not because everything in The Bible is fake. No, I don't think God literally created the universe in six days. I do believe that because of the theory of relativity and the speed things were going at after the Big Bang that it could've been 14 billion years that to an outsider appeared to be six days. 


So why read it? I believe that The Bible is not all literal and there is much to be learned from it as a document and a story. I try to live my life by Jesus' two main principles: love God above all else and treat everyone as you want to be treated. I struggle greatly. I have been trying to work out the demons inside me - trying to be a better person. It's not a quick process but I have gotten MUCH better.


It doesn't always work and perhaps that was why she thought that about me. I can complain a lot when in a bad mood. And I do swear frequently. I don't go to church but I do pray every single day multiple times a time for everyone I know including my enemies. I am honest to a fault and will do anything for almost anyone. I can't stand to see suffering. I apologize when wrong and try to make people feel appreciated. I will go out of my way for people. And isn't that one of his rules? Sure, I can bitchy. I can be lazy. I can talk crap like the best of them. But I am not proud of it and try my hardest not to. I certainly could do a better job but that is what this whole happiness project is about - becoming a better (not perfect) person. I'm not perfect but I don't claim to be. And I don't think I am better than anyone.


What it comes down to is this: the only thing that matters in Christianity is that you believe that Jesus is God. That's it. All of the other 3500 denominations that exist over the slight differences - all of that doesn't matter.  Whether your church sings and dances for worship or not - it doesn't matter. You are not going to hell over it.

So am I religious? No, I guess I'm not. But am I strong believer? Absolutely.  

My goal is that the next time I tell someone that I am religious, spiritual, and/or a Christian, their response won't be, "no, you're not" because my actions and character will show that I am, in fact, what I said I am.  I don't need to broadcast my faith but I don't want that kind of reaction ever again, even if it was not meant that way.

This video sums up my beliefs almost 100%: 

Snow Day!

It's March which means it's time to start another month of bettering myself. This month it's "contemplate the heavens". In her book, Gretchen does this in August but I decided since I already read to Deuteronomy 4 (which on the timeline is March 2), and since I intend to do this for the rest of the year, I should move it to March for me. It doesn't matter what order I do them in - just that I try them. 

In December, I wrote: "This one will be started earlier than August because I intend to fully read the Bible by the time I am 30. That means roughly three pages a day. Maybe I'll step it up this month and double up? I don't know. I've always been really spiritual and feel it usually makes people better people to put God before themselves... and you end up helping others more if you do this too."

I am not just going to focus on religion though. Contemplating the heavens is more than just spirituality. It's about being thankful for all that I've been given. For me, I have always had a fear of death. Not necessarily me dying. It's more a fear of people I love dying. I will be trying to tell people how much I care about them in case something were to happen. And try to appreciate the life I've been blessed with more so I am not regretful later in life. So it's threefold.  

Since this is SUCH a big topic, while I have 9 things on my checklist, the things I do don't have to be GRAND. Little things count. My 9 topics are: 

1. Imitate a spiritual master (like treating someone the way I want to be treated or being the change I want to see in the world).
2. Keep a one sentence gratitude journal (knowing me it won't be just 1 sentence).
3. Help someone or tell them something nice (but not forced).
4. Love the life I've been given not the one I want (yes it's good to improve but living in the future is not good either).
5. Complain less and turn complaints into thankfulness. 
6. Be in awe of something/someone. 
7. Contemplate death. (Ugh, this one is hard for me). 
8. Do something to look back on and be proud of. 
9. Count my blessings.

I really only had access to dogs today so imitating a spiritual master wasn't in the cards (same as #3) but I did start the one sentence gratitude journal that I will update daily. Unsure about how start #4. Number 5 was successfully done. I hate snow days. But instead of hating it - I embraced it as probably (unless it snows again which is unlikely given this winter) the last time I will live in this house with snow covering it since Scott and I hope to have our own home by next December. I also cuddled with the pups and finished season 2 of Downton Abbey. I was in awe of how beautiful the snow looked for #6. After reading about how Queen Elizabeth's dad died when she was only 25, I thought about how I would be today if my dad had actually died when I was 12 (which he almost did). I can not imagine my life without him. It's going to be baby steps on #7 so I started with a "what if?". This is my greatest fear and the thing that I try to avoid the most. I will always be proud of the fact that I captured this on camera since it might be the last time - #8.

As for #9 - I count my blessings every single morning. It is the first thing I do when I get in my car. I start a prayer and among other things, I name all of the people I care about and ask God to watch over all of you and protect you from accident, illness, injury, death and harm. I then thank Him for everything he's given to me, often naming the things I care about most. The last things I do are ask him for favor with anyone who I feel at odds with and to do anything He wants me to do that day to make Him proud. I have had a wonderful life and I aim to be grateful for all of my adventures, friends and family. There are so many things that could've gone wrong that didn't and there are so many things I've done that others haven't. I know how blessed I am and I don't take it for granted.