Purpose

I've often had thoughts about things that have happened (or not) in the past and their reason. About how life might've been different had they happened differently. And about who I am not because of those things. Right now it's weighing on my mind because I hurt my back when I ran the 5k last week and while it's not as bad as in August 2008, it hurts and I have been doing a lot to prevent it from happening that bad again. What could come out of this if it goes bad?

Growing up I was a model who was offered to be the next Little Miss Sunbeam for $3 million and I refused to smile. Where would I be today if I had accepted? Would I have gone to college? Would I be overweight? There are so many questions. 

What if I had met Scott in high school and didn't have to go through all the BS I went through with dating? 


So many what ifs?....

 I used to be pretty athletic - I grew up playing soccer since age 3 and little league and softball. I even did basketball. And then one day I got mono and didn't take care of myself and it progressed into 4 years of EpStein Barr after which I was out of shape and lost the desire to play sports... until college when I did flag football, softball, basketball and soccer intramurally with swimming on the side. Its in my blood but I've become so lazy. Just when I started to get back on the ball and REALLY started working out, eating right and losing weight, BAM! I hurt my back really bad and gave myself a bulging disk in August 2008. I couldn't walk- complete bed rest with severe pain meds for a week and then I could hobble around on  crutch.

What is the purpose of these things? I believe everything has a reason. When I am stuck in traffic and want to flip out, sometimes I think that maybe the traffic is delaying me from being involved in a fatal car accident that had I been going normal speed would've happened and then I calm down. There is not way to prove this and it's frustrating because sometimes you never can know. I don't know why life hasn't been smooth for me in ways I wish it would have been. 


I'm not complaining - I just wish I could know the reason for certain things happening.

Sometimes I think that there must be many universes going on right now and every choice we make makes a new universe so somewhere there must be a Stephanie Bentley who is thin and athletic and healthy and not so shy. Or one where certain mistakes weren't made. I know that I am who I am because of those things but sometimes, I would love to live in the universes where everything went right. I could just start living that way now. But it's a slippery slope and a long way back and I don't know if I have it in me to get there.

Of course, there is also probably a universe where I am paralyzed or dead. I should count my blessings.