Why do bad things happen?

I may never understand why one day out of the blue I started getting panic attacks. I had never heard of them. Until that day in July 2004, I had lived an amazing life with wonderful family and friends. I had started and edited a newspaper at my high school, went to a large college where I was known by one name, became an RA (and got RA of the year), was the president of an organization whose sole purpose was to recognize other people for their good works, traveled more than most, I literally had no fear. The only bad about me was that I got a little home sick from time to time. But that was it. And then BAM! Blind sided. 

It feels like a drug that you are addicted to but can't get off of and worse than real drugs - you desperately don't want to be on them. I dropped out of school for it, lost friends because of it, turned down an awesome summer job because of it and almost quit graduate school because of it. Crazy things the real me would've never done. I can only assume this is what it feels like to have multiple personalities. To know you are doing something YOU would never do and not being able to control it.

Gretchin Rubin came to the epiphany of her book (The Happiness Project) one day by recognizing that "the days are long but the years are short". How true is that? Some days drag but I am always amazed at how quickly life passes by - I swear I can remember being a little girl like it really was yesterday. Gretchin spent her month of "contemplating the heavens" by reading many real life tragedy/suffering stories about people who had had normal lives and then one day it all changed - via accident or disease or someone close to them dying. I can't do that. Too much sadness is not good for me.


I still have a great life but one I wish didn't involve anxiety. No, I am not suffering from an incurable disease and no one I love is going through pain. I am blessed beyond words. I have to accept that anxiety is part of my life and work around it. If you've never had a panic attack - you are lucky. It controls every aspect of your life while it is happening. Even involuntary actions like breathing and your heart beating. I can feel adrenaline coursing through me. 


I haven't had a full blown attack since January 2011 thanks to medication and a lot of prayer. But every time I feel the familiar flutter in my veins I pray to God it isn't happening again and it never will. When it comes, it comes without warning and lasts 24 hours for anywhere from 24 hours to 2 months. When it's happening I can't think, watch tv, eat and other things I'd rather not mention. It is beyond paralyzing. It's like my own personal hell. And every time it happens, it's like I've had my own personal paralyzing accident. But I am lucky. I get to "wake up" from it. I get to go back to the life I had. 



There must be a reason for it. Right? When I come out of an attack, I have an overwhelming feeling of - what would I do if I knew I was dying? I want to live life to the fullest. So maybe that is the meaning - to be reminded of how blessed I actually am. So what I propose to do is something my mom is doing right now which is, "If everyone one of us lived as though we only had 1 more month to live, what would you do to every person you met? What would you say to your loved ones? There is a church in TX, that is doing this very thing... I like this very much! I pray you all live like this. No regrets. Love is not some mushy thing, it lives, it breathes, it urges on to better things, not the awful things we sometimes see... We can all do better!" 

I don't know why some people get cancer or why some people become disfigured. All I know is that my lot in life may be anxiety. And if that's all I ever get - I am blessed beyond belief.

On that note, I am going to take the approach that my life could end any day. Tomorrow. A week from now. Two years from now.  Fifty years from now. In one moment, much like the one I had eight years ago, my life could be instantly changed or ended. So being that it could happen I plan to live like it might. I will be reaching out to all manner of people to tell them you how I feel. So try not to be alarmed when I tell you. I mean, you are someone I care about, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading this. This blog is not an extraordinary one that can be easily found. You clicked a link. You read this. It's you who I could not live life without and it's you that I appreciate for many reasons. The best part? It's free. Not in a cheap way. But it requires nothing more than a little effort to tell those we care about them and why while they are still here, living and breathing. And it's much better than regretting not saying it in the end. You never know how your words can affect someone else. If I can help just one person have a little better day then that's the point. That is why I was chosen to have panic attacks - to have a constant reminder to live life to the fullest and bless others.We are all suffering in some way.

I will be seizing every opportunity to live the best life I can. Not in a monumental way every day. Just baby steps.