Loneliness

A friend once told me this story, "And someone once told me about a guy who, when he would get lonely, would call someone who he thought might be lonelier. Gave him a chance to be doing something for someone, even just the listening, and it got his focus shifted around, however briefly."

Growing up I was pretty independent.  I never asked anyone for help. And I always went out of my way to help others. That is, until the incident. When the panic attacks started, that was one of the fears that started. I could not be physically alone in a room. Think about what that might entail. Picture every moment of a typical day for you and imagine all of the times you are alone or need to be alone. I could not do it. Only when I was having panic attacks, of course. Which, as stated before, could be anywhere from a day to a week to 4 months. Straight. Twenty four hours a day. I would find any way I could to be around people. Even if I wasn't talking to them or even necessarily with them. Sleeping also was no good because it meant I would be alone as well. It was messed up to say the least. I would stay awake until exhaustion set in and I literally could not keep my eyes open anymore. Driving to work was near impossible but I found a way to hook up a portable dvd player to my car system and have Friends playing for the hour long drive and it definitely helped. The radio didn't, talk or music. But Friends did. 

This hasn't happened in a very long time but it's giving me the creeps thinking about it. I know what it's like to feel utterly alone. I've even known what it's like to feel alone in a packed room of friends. I imagine the feeling is what a mini black hole would feel like if it were centered in the center of your chest. To just wonder if people care about you even a little bit. If they appreciated anything I did for them a little bit. To not know if I was someone's last call of the night. 

As an adult, I have always had friends, and good one at that but I am starting to feel like I am losing my ground again. I sometimes feel so weak and not confident. Which is not how I ever was before. I feel lost sometimes. Like, do I really have anyone out there who is a best friend? I have some amazing friends. Don't get me wrong. But do I have someone I could tell anything to without judgement? I'm not sure. Ok, this is off topic. 

This is why my heart breaks for lonely/awkward people who can't snap out of it like I did. Unfortunately I have a great amount f empathy for people and can literally feel other people's pain. Strange sensation to have coursing through my joints. I guess it will always be a small fear for me. Even though I can be alone in rooms now, it's not my favorite thing. And I hate being in silence. Like right now I have a movie on in the background as I type even though I'm not watching it. I wonder if this is something I will ever be able to get over. 

It's important for me to meditate on the fact that there are people out there who don't have anyone in their lives and are incredibly sad and lonely. But it's hard to think about for long because of the empathy. I am beyond blessed. So I am going to start doing what my friend told me. When I feel insecure and lonely, I'm going to call someone who might need to hear from someone and hopefully I end up making other people's lives better and strengthening relationships in the process. Maybe it'll help me feel not so alone when I am in those funks.